Pain is the admission price to a new life.
This day didn't start out like I thought it would. This past week my sister had gotten the mortgage letter from the company that has my parents Reverse Mortgage loan. That was a big mistake my mom made, doing a Reverse Mortgage but it couldn't be undone. The loan is more than what the house is worth and no one can afford to pay off the loan. I don't think I could get a loan and it breaks my heart to know the house will go into foreclosure and be gone forever. The four of us were to meet this weekend and talk about the house. I wasn't called about time so I was waiting for the time and place. That brings us to today.
I called the sister with the paperwork and the plans. She didn't know that I had not been called to let me know the time and place. I had about a 30 min notice to meet at the house and discuss things. I arrive and my sisters are there with their husbands, my niece and her daughter and boyfriend. I was surprised to see that they were all there to start taking the items they wanted from the house. I was not prepared to do that and thought it was unfair that my daughters were not included in the dismantling of the house. Everyone seemed to have already decided what they wanted, had their agendas ready. I only wanted to get the items that were mine, but I also knew my kids wanted things. It is a mess.
I asked for my mother's china cabinet and lighted curio cabinet. Yes on the china cabinet, no on the curio; that goes to someone else - even though I had requested it weeks ago. One of my daughters asked for a certain china cup (my mother collected china cups) but someone else had claimed it before I knew it. Items that have sat on the shelves and cabinets for many years were being wrapped in paper and will now live in another home.
I am so sad that it will soon be empty and evidence of my child hood will be gone. This was the only home I knew and all the memories are there. My mom sewing in the bedroom where she taught me to sew, she would stay up until late at night sewing for others; my dad in the living room watching his westerns. Helping mom make Christmas gifts of candy for co-workers and getting a taste along the way. All the family dinners during the holidays. The laughter, the tears, the fun.
I know it is only bricks and mortar but this was a family home and there are so many memories it is hard to say goodbye. I know I must - it is a time to move forward and let go. That is what my mother would want. She wanted someone in the family to live in the house but that is just not possible.
My life has taken some major hits since 2008 - divorce, lost my home & job, mom died, then it got better - met a wonderful man and got married. Then dad died. I am now watching my parents home be emptied and become vacant and lonely. I have great and not so great memories but life goes on and this is what is being dealt to me. I must trust God that His will be done and accept what ever the outcome. Time to move on and get on with living. The memories will always be in my heart and that will have to be enough.
I have wanted to be closer to my sisters, but I don't think that is going to be. I have tried to sort out what our issues are but don't know what or when it happened. I don't know why we don't understand each other. It has been that way most of my life. I have cleaned up my side of the street, it is up to them to reach out to me if they want to be part of my life. MG and I have a wonderful life, are very happy together and have plans for so many things. I am just too busy to worry about how they feel about me and my kids.
Regret is a wasted emotion. I don't want to have negativity in my life anymore, I lived with that long enough. I have a new life with a great husband and we are enjoying being together.
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another. ~Anatole France
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