Oh What a Year! (12)

 When my life drastically changed in 2008 I never thought I would be as happy as I am today. After divorce, the loss of my mother and life as I had known it;  recovery, rejoicing and peace within were far from what I thought would ever occur. But…..

2011 was a wonderful year

Hugo

January – grandson #4 Hugo is born to Erica, which prompted a trip to Phoenix.

 

Marshall

 February – grandson #5 Marshall is born to Rebecca; the day of the Tulsa blizzard (I am in Phoenix and miss both).

April – my birthday – another great day. We had a birthday party with friends.

May – Mother’s Day; I have trouble on this day. My mother died shortly after and I still miss her. MG gives me a lovely piece of jewelry even though I am not his children's mother.

           Another gall bladder attack -- this time surgery. Finally.

June – trip to family reunion in Arkansas; not knowing this would be last time I would see my dear cousin Randy.

    Grandson #1 Jordan is 10!!

Jordan

   Go to dermatologist for a spot on my face, results; skin cancer removed. Thanks to hubby for insisting I go for a check up.

July – trip to Hot Springs, AR which is always fun. We love the Mini Cooper

Wedding!!

August – oh the best month. I am married to the most wonderful man that God lead me to. We eloped to Eureka Springs, AR and have the best time I have had - ever.

I am also awarded Employee of the Month at my place of work, a big surprise!

September – grandchild #3 Emma is one year old!! Erica is here for a visit and we all get to be together again.

Miss Emma

At the party I see my ex for the first time in 2 years; confirming that I made the right decision leaving a loveless marriage. 

            My eldest daughter Katy, has a birthday. Another happy day.







October – My father dies unexpectedly. The strain becomes greater between my family and me.

            We hold a friends and family wedding reception. MG’s parents arrive unexpectedly and I get to meet them for the first time. MG and I go on our honeymoon trip from Chicago to Seattle via Amtrack. What fun we had!!!!

My first honeymoon trip!

November – Grandson #2 Conor is 4!! We have a great time celebrating.

Conor

December – My middle and youngest daughters have birthdays one day apart. (No didn’t plan it that way). More happy celebrations.

Christmas with all the children and grand-children. How fun. MG and I start our own holiday traditions. 

What a year!!! – I am happy, serene and blessed. MG and I have been together 648 days; married 149 days at the end of this year. With God’s help I found a terrific, loving, generous man and I am grateful every day. I just had to get out of His way.

Here’s hoping we all have a terrific 2012.

Year's end is neither an end nor a beginning but a going on, with all the wisdom that experience can instill in us.  ~Hal Borland
 

Hope Chest (11)

Webster Dictionary defines Hope as - A feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen.

For my high school graduation gift my parents gave me a Lane Hope chest. Tradition says you are to put items in it for the time when you are married. Keepsakes, china, lace tablecloths, whatever you think you will need for your married life. I hoped I would get married and have those things. I didn't have those kinds of things in mine. I had special mementos from family trips, heirloom toys (usually a doll my mom made), and later it was my babies first clothes I wanted to keep (that marriage didn't work out like I had Hoped).

The chest reminds me of my family. I had Hoped all my life that I would be close to my sisters like my mother was with hers. But we never were. There always seemed to be an invisible barrier that kept us apart. Is it just age? I am the youngest child so I am 14 yrs younger than the eldest, 11 yrs younger than the next sister and 3 yrs younger than the next. I was closest to my mother, I don't think my dad knew I existed. At least that is how I felt. Always Hoping he would talk to me, would say he loved me, something. Are they jealous that I was close to mom?Am I just know realizing that? Has that been the issue between us all these years?

With the past couple of weeks dealing with my sisters over the remains of my parents home, I had Hoped we would join together and want to be close and have a good relationship. Again Hope.

But, that is not to be. Things have been said that can never be taken back. So my Hope for the sister relationship I have wanted all my life is a change that is not going to happen - ever. Hope for that part of my life is gone. My parents are gone and my sisters don't know me or my life so they are gone too.

But don't feel sorry for me, I have a great new life with a wonderful man. I have good, dear friends and terrific kids and grand-kids who love me. I am very happy and Hope you are too.

Decisions and Sadness (10)

Pain is the admission price to a new life. 

This day didn't start out like I thought it would. This past week my sister had gotten the mortgage letter from the company that has my parents Reverse Mortgage loan. That was a big mistake my mom made, doing a Reverse Mortgage but it couldn't be undone. The loan is more than what the house is worth and no one can afford to pay off the loan. I don't think I could get a loan and it breaks my heart to know the house will go into foreclosure and be gone forever. The four of us were to meet this weekend and talk about the house. I wasn't called about time so I was waiting for the time and place. That brings us to today.

I called the sister with the paperwork and the plans. She didn't know that I had not been called to let me know the time and place. I had about a 30 min notice to meet at the house and discuss things. I arrive and my sisters are there with their husbands, my niece and her daughter and boyfriend. I was surprised to see that they were all there to start taking the items they wanted from the house. I was not prepared to do that and thought it was unfair that my daughters were not included in the dismantling of the house. Everyone seemed to have already decided what they wanted, had their agendas ready. I only wanted to get the items that were mine, but I also knew my kids wanted things. It is a mess.

I asked for my mother's china cabinet and lighted curio cabinet. Yes on the china cabinet, no on the curio; that goes to someone else - even though I had requested it weeks ago. One of my daughters asked for a certain china cup (my mother collected china cups) but someone else had claimed it before I knew it. Items that have sat on the shelves and cabinets for many years were being wrapped in paper and will now live in another  home.

I am so sad that it will soon be empty and evidence of my child hood will be gone. This was the only home I knew and all the memories are there. My mom sewing in the bedroom where she taught me to sew, she would stay up until late at night sewing for others; my dad in the living room watching his westerns. Helping mom make Christmas gifts of candy for co-workers and getting a taste along the way. All the family dinners during the holidays. The laughter, the tears, the fun.

I know it is only bricks and mortar but this was a family home and there are so many memories it is hard to say goodbye. I know I must - it is a time to move forward and let go. That is what my mother would want. She wanted someone in the family to live in the house but that is just not possible.

My life has taken some major hits since 2008 - divorce, lost my home & job, mom died, then it got better - met a wonderful man and got married. Then dad died. I am now watching my parents home be emptied and become vacant and lonely. I have great and not so great memories but life goes on and this is what is being dealt to me. I must trust God that His will be done and accept what ever the outcome. Time to move on and get on with living. The memories will always be in my heart and that will have to be enough.

I have wanted to be closer to my sisters, but I don't think that is going to be. I have tried to sort out what our issues are but don't know what or when it happened. I don't know why we don't understand each other. It has been that way most of my life. I have cleaned up my side of the street, it is up to them to reach out to me if they want to be part of my life. MG and I have a wonderful life, are very happy together and have plans for so many things. I am just too busy to worry about how they feel about me and my kids. 


Regret is a wasted emotion. I don't want to have negativity in my life anymore, I lived with that long enough. I have a new life with a great husband and we are enjoying being together.

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.  ~Anatole France

Another page turns (9)

This has been a busy year and it's not over. Last week my father died suddenly. He had heart trouble for many years but you just aren't ready for the final day. He was 91 yrs old. He had been getting more feeble, had fallen a couple of times, and just wasn't feeling well for many months. He went quickly which is a good thing/bad thing. He wasn't in pain for a lengthy time but he was alone  in the ER. I hadn't spoken to him in about a week, we were preparing for our vacation. But that is the way it goes sometimes. One question keeps running through my head.

How do I feel about my father dying?
I wasn't close to my dad which doesn't mean I was not sad at his passing, just don't' have the same feelings that I did when my mother died. I have to admit I was devastated when my mother died in 2009 - I still miss her. We were very close and spoke every day, sometimes several times a day.

I didn't know my father very well. He was difficult to approach and was a distant person. He worked 1 full time job and 2 part time jobs for as long as I can remember. He felt his mission was to provide for his family, which he did very well. But that also meant he missed out on some of our school events, family outings and celebrations. When the holidays approached, he would work because those days paid better. We would have Christmas at 3 or 4 AM so he could get to work - we'd go back to bed. Same for Thanksgiving. We would wait and have dinner when he was getting home from work. I am not complaining, just letting you know what I remember.

He loved his family but just couldn't express the feelings. I never heard I love you - I am proud of you - I am happy for you. Never sat on his lap, held his hand. He was a better grandfather than father. Maybe he learned how much he missed with his kids. To me he was a shadow.

I didn't know much about my dad. I don't know exactly what he did at his job that he worked at for 32 years. He didn't like to talk about his childhood, I heard things from his sisters about how hard farm living was during the depression but never anything from him. He was reserved and silent unlike my mother who was bubbly and loved to show affection to her kids and grandchildren. He served in WWII and was always proud of that. His legacy is the large family he left, from 4 daughters he had 9 grandchildren, 15 great-grandchildren and 3 great-great grandchildren. Another page turns in life when your parents are gone. The only home I have ever known will be emptied and someone else will live there after 56 years.

I love you Dad and I know you loved me in the only way you knew how. Goodbye Dad, the greatest man I never knew.



Sometimes the poorest man leaves his children the richest inheritance.  ~Ruth E. Renkel

Committment (8)

MG and I decided to just go off and get married so we did in August of this year. I am a planner so I began making arrangements about 6 weeks before. Being a mother of 3 daughters and having my own wedding many moons ago, I know what is involved in planning a wedding. Lots of details!!! Didn't want a big ceremony but a nice one. We went to Eureka Springs, Ark and spent a great weekend at the cutest bed and breakfast.Our great friends went with us and we had such a great time.
 
We are now happily married and are enjoying our life as a married couple. On Oct 8 we had a reception for family and friends. My good friend Tom took pictures for us. We had a surprise - Monty's parents came to our party. We had a great time and loved seeing all our friends.


When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.  ~Nora Ephron

Transitions (7)

June 6, 2011 - 3 yrs since my divorce. I didn't realize it until today that the anniversary was here. It just didn't enter my mind and I was so surprised. I never thought I would survive it and know I don't even think about it. Amazing. That's what love does, it heals the heart and erases the bad memories.

This past weekend was the 2nd anniversary of my mother's funeral. I was in Arkansas where she is buried for our annual family reunion. I hadn't been to the cemetery since the funeral but felt drawn that I needed to go see the spot where she is buried. I know she is not there but I needed to go and lay my yellow rose down on her name and say goodbye once again. It was harder than I thought it would be but MG was with me and that helped. He is very supportive and understands how I feel. We left and went on about our day and had a very good weekend together.

So, this was the weekend for transitions. To accept loss, death and be glad I survived it all. I am very blessed and grateful for my life today.

Another transition I am going through is weight loss. It is time to get rid of some extra pounds so I am getting started. I have rejoined Weight Watchers and will try my hardest to lose the pounds I have gained in the past year. I am very unhappy and need to feel better. I want to avoid the health problems my mother had so I can be around for my grandchildren. I want to feel good and be able to keep moving without too much pain. I'll let you know my progress.



All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.  ~Anatole France

Living Happily Ever After (6)

MG and I have purchased our tickets for our honeymoon train trip and now are working on the smaller items. We don't want to have an extravagant ceremony since this is the second for each of us - just a small one with close friends and family. I have my dress and can't do the other things until it gets closer.

We have know each other a year now and  we are still so happy together. I am amazed that we found each other - it was a God thing. I hated the dating scene when I was young, worse when you are older. The internet dating scene is awful, you really have to be careful. I met some good ones and some bad ones, then one day decided I had enough of it all. I was shutting down my dating accounts online and suddenly I received an email from MG wanting to meet me. I hesitated because of all the disappointments but God told me to give it one more try. I am so glad I did. I met the most wonderful man and perfect for me. Later I found out that MG had experienced similar dating disappointments online and was giving up when he saw my photo on the site he used. So random, it could've gone either way, but - well, the rest is history.

Everyday I love him more and more. I was recently in the hospital again for a minor stomach thing and there he was again, holding my head and taking care of me. And on Mother's Day night we go off to the hospital. He takes the day off to find out what happened but it was just a stomach bug. But he was there for me and that makes all the difference in a relationship.

We attend AA meeting together and I attend Al-Anon. Being in that fellowship helps both of us stay on the road to serenity and peace. We are focused on fun, enjoying life and not dwelling on negative. We don't have to get married, we both have been there and done that but we want that commitment to each other in front of God and our friends and family. The day will be here before we know it. The year is speeding by.


Happiness is a direction, not a place.  ~Sydney J. Harris

Wonderful, wonderful (5)

How different my life is now. I was so devastated after my divorce that I thought I would never recover. Wow! I was so wrong and I am so happy now I just can't believe it. I say a grateful prayer every day thanking God for a wonderful life, wonderful man, wonderful family  - I am so very grateful.

This past weekend MG and I ran around looking at pawn shops, just wandering around looking at 'stuff', then we picked up my oldest grandson and went to a large gun show that was here in town. My grandson likes weapons and we wanted him to see some antique guns and just spend time together.

Discovering Me (4)

Since this blog is about my new life and experiences, I will be sharing some personal insights and thoughts with you about several things. For almost a year I have been attending an Al-Anon group. This is a great experience for me and I can't keep from including it my blog. (These are MY experiences and I am not representing AA or Al-Anon.) 

The reason I began attending Al-Anon is due to my ex-husbands' drinking. I am not saying he is an alcoholic, only he can say that - but his drinking bothered me and I needed to find out why and what my part was. It has been such a wonderful thing to find out that I am not alone in my feelings and experiences. I try to not think too much about the past, this is a looking forward blog. I read this today in one of the Al-Anon books:

From: Discovering Choices - We can't change the past, however, we can change our interpretation of the past, which makes a difference in how we feel today. When we are willing to look at ourselves critically and admit our errors, we can regret our mistakes while also taking some satisfaction that we've grown since we made those mistakes. We earn respect for ourselves as well as from others even as we remain humble out of respect for the modest role we play in a world cared for by a Higher Power. It is our attitudes, not our relationships, which can keep us trapped in the past. If we choose to be resentful and unhappy, it is not the fault of anyone else. 

When I started to date again, I wanted to find a man who didn't smoke or drink (my ex does). I found out that God has a sense of humor. MG doesn't smoke but he is an alcoholic (12 yrs sober). God knew paring me with an alcoholic would force me to face my mistakes and in my going to open AA meetings and finding an Al-Anon group to attend, I am healing from that part of my life. I have met wonderful, kind people and MG and I attend AA conferences about 3 times a year and they are really fun.

So, periodically I will be talking about AA and Al-Anon as part of my experiences. Maybe what I say will help you or someone you know. I want to think positively about myself and my world. I don't always know the answers to my dilemmas, and that's okay. All I need to do is decide whether I want to feel good and loving or just plain miserable. I am learning to live one day at a time and I choose to be positive instead of negative. 

You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition.  What you'll discover will be wonderful.  What you'll discover is yourself.  ~Alan Alda

When a Man Loves a Woman (3)

It is early Saturday morning and I don't feel very well. Probably something I ate. I am trying to be quiet so I go into the living room and turn on the TV low as not to disturb MG. He comes into the room a couple of hours later to check on me. He gets me a cup of coffee and asks what he can do for me. I seem okay for now, but in about an hour my bad feeling returns. I request a med from the drugstore and off MG goes to find it. He goes to 3 drugstores and returns with the med. He is so great, he will do anything to help me feel better. I am so blessed. 

I don't want to look back, but I need to give you a comparison. My ex-husband was not nurturing or seemed to care much about my comfort and well being. When I was ill or had morning sickness from pregnancies, he was not supportive. I would struggle through on my own. Especially when he would be out of town for weeks or months. 

So to be with a man who truly cares for me, thinks about me, loves me through and through is a new experience for me. Actually I have to be careful for what I ask or he will immediately take care of me and the situation. I don't have to be control all the time and it is a nice relief. When we were first together, I got a stomach virus and he held my head when I was over the toilet and brought me anything to help me feel better. Recently I had minor surgery and he was there by my side for the several days of recovery. I just can't say it enough how much this means to me. He always says I need to let him know when I don't feel well or need his help, he is always reassuring me that he is here for me and ready to do anything for me anytime. I love that. I am slowly letting him do for me. There is a small bag left from my previous life and it is getting smaller every day.

We have been together almost a year and as you can see on my home page, we are planning our wedding for later this year. I am very blessed and grateful to God for bringing me to this man. 

Trouble is part of your life, and if you don't share it, you don't give the person who loves you enough chance to love you enough.  ~Dinah Shore

Busy Grandma (2)

I have been a busy grandma. Last September my first grand-daughter was born (grand-child #3). EJ  is a big girl and looks so much like my mother's side of the family. Round cheeks and a great smile. I was lucky enough to watch her be born.

Christmas came and it was difficult. The Christmas season was my mom's favorite of the year besides having flowers all over her yard. She liked having the family come to their house to laugh, eat and have fun. This was the 2nd Christmas without mom and I just couldn't go over to the house. My family did not understand why I was unable to go see my dad on the day, but I have decided that I am old enough to do what I want and if I don't want to be part of a negative (for me) event, I don't participate. I wanted celebrate the holiday at my home I share with my fiance, MG and we wanted to begin our own traditions.

Two of my daughters were able to come to our house for dinner and gift exchange. MG invited his sons but they were not able to make it, we saw them later in the week. It is always fun to see the grandchildren open their gifts and hear all the squeals. This was EJ's first so she was not aware of what was happening so this year will be more fun for all of us.


Then January 17th came around and it was time for grandchild #4 - HP to be born. EB is a good mom and SB is such a great dad and helps out.  I am proud of them both. On January 26 (my mom's birthday) I was able to go to Phoenix and help with the baby when dad returned to work. I stayed 10 days and then a few days later the other grandma came to see her first grandchild. I didn't stay long enough. The baby is so cute and we all had a great time - Phoenix is a nice town. I would love to live in that part of the country.

That was my first trip away from home since MG and I got together and I missed him very much. We had gotten so very close in the last couple of months and we have such a great relationship. I am so blessed that he is in my life. I love him so much. We have a nice life. I am excited about the new year and look forward to our wedding later this year.

February 1st and grandchild #5 - MA comes early. I was in Phoenix so I missed the actual birth but heard all about it. I saw  daughter (RJ) and son when I returned home. He is a little cutie, looks like dad but has my daughter's eyes and beautiful olive complexion. They live nearby so I can see him anytime I want. I have even babysat several times and I really enjoy that.

So, I went from 2 to 5 grand-children in 4 months. For now, my three girls are done birthin' babies and I can concentrate on my next big event - our wedding will be at the end of this year.

It is hard, but I am learning to let go of my children and let them live their own lives. I have to do that or I will not be able to enjoy my new life. This is something I really struggle with but it is the only way. That is what parents are supposed to do. Give their children roots and wings. They know I am always here if they need but I try not to hover like I used to. They are all grown with their own families and need to figure out life for themselves.


When you have brought up kids, there are memories you store directly in your tear ducts.  ~Robert Brault

A New Year, A New Life (1)

January 2011

Last year was a good year but I expect this year to be fabulous.  I was so devastated when my mother died. After my divorce I felt my life was over and I would forever be alone. That's what I get for leading my life, not letting God do the leading.

This blog is a second one by me. The first was about my former life as an ex-wife and it chronicled my divorce after 30 years of marriage (dancingthroughmydivorce.blogspot.com).

This blog will be a look at my current life, my second chance at living, my chapter two. I have come through the dark tunnel of loss and disappointment and will be talking about my life now and my family. There is a lot going on and you might be interested. I write chronologically so it is up to you how you want to read the posts (initials only will be used in this blog to identify family members).




The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.  ~Mark Twain