Pain is the admission price to a new life.
This day didn't start out like I thought it would. This past week my sister had gotten the mortgage letter from the company that has my parents Reverse Mortgage loan. That was a big mistake my mom made, doing a Reverse Mortgage but it couldn't be undone. The loan is more than what the house is worth and no one can afford to pay off the loan. I don't think I could get a loan and it breaks my heart to know the house will go into foreclosure and be gone forever. The four of us were to meet this weekend and talk about the house. I wasn't called about time so I was waiting for the time and place. That brings us to today.
I called the sister with the paperwork and the plans. She didn't know that I had not been called to let me know the time and place. I had about a 30 min notice to meet at the house and discuss things. I arrive and my sisters are there with their husbands, my niece and her daughter and boyfriend. I was surprised to see that they were all there to start taking the items they wanted from the house. I was not prepared to do that and thought it was unfair that my daughters were not included in the dismantling of the house. Everyone seemed to have already decided what they wanted, had their agendas ready. I only wanted to get the items that were mine, but I also knew my kids wanted things. It is a mess.
I asked for my mother's china cabinet and lighted curio cabinet. Yes on the china cabinet, no on the curio; that goes to someone else - even though I had requested it weeks ago. One of my daughters asked for a certain china cup (my mother collected china cups) but someone else had claimed it before I knew it. Items that have sat on the shelves and cabinets for many years were being wrapped in paper and will now live in another home.
I am so sad that it will soon be empty and evidence of my child hood will be gone. This was the only home I knew and all the memories are there. My mom sewing in the bedroom where she taught me to sew, she would stay up until late at night sewing for others; my dad in the living room watching his westerns. Helping mom make Christmas gifts of candy for co-workers and getting a taste along the way. All the family dinners during the holidays. The laughter, the tears, the fun.
I know it is only bricks and mortar but this was a family home and there are so many memories it is hard to say goodbye. I know I must - it is a time to move forward and let go. That is what my mother would want. She wanted someone in the family to live in the house but that is just not possible.
My life has taken some major hits since 2008 - divorce, lost my home & job, mom died, then it got better - met a wonderful man and got married. Then dad died. I am now watching my parents home be emptied and become vacant and lonely. I have great and not so great memories but life goes on and this is what is being dealt to me. I must trust God that His will be done and accept what ever the outcome. Time to move on and get on with living. The memories will always be in my heart and that will have to be enough.
I have wanted to be closer to my sisters, but I don't think that is going to be. I have tried to sort out what our issues are but don't know what or when it happened. I don't know why we don't understand each other. It has been that way most of my life. I have cleaned up my side of the street, it is up to them to reach out to me if they want to be part of my life. MG and I have a wonderful life, are very happy together and have plans for so many things. I am just too busy to worry about how they feel about me and my kids.
Regret is a wasted emotion. I don't want to have negativity in my life anymore, I lived with that long enough. I have a new life with a great husband and we are enjoying being together.
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another. ~Anatole France
Monday, October 31, 2011
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Another page turns (9)
This has been a busy year and it's not over. Last week my father died suddenly. He had heart trouble for many years but you just aren't ready for the final day. He was 91 yrs old. He had been getting more feeble, had fallen a couple of times, and just wasn't feeling well for many months. He went quickly which is a good thing/bad thing. He wasn't in pain for a lengthy time but he was alone in the ER. I hadn't spoken to him in about a week, we were preparing for our vacation. But that is the way it goes sometimes. One question keeps running through my head.
How do I feel about my father dying?
I wasn't close to my dad which doesn't mean I was not sad at his passing, just don't' have the same feelings that I did when my mother died. I have to admit I was devastated when my mother died in 2009 - I still miss her. We were very close and spoke every day, sometimes several times a day.
I didn't know my father very well. He was difficult to approach and was a distant person. He worked 1 full time job and 2 part time jobs for as long as I can remember. He felt his mission was to provide for his family, which he did very well. But that also meant he missed out on some of our school events, family outings and celebrations. When the holidays approached, he would work because those days paid better. We would have Christmas at 3 or 4 AM so he could get to work - we'd go back to bed. Same for Thanksgiving. We would wait and have dinner when he was getting home from work. I am not complaining, just letting you know what I remember.
He loved his family but just couldn't express the feelings. I never heard I love you - I am proud of you - I am happy for you. Never sat on his lap, held his hand. He was a better grandfather than father. Maybe he learned how much he missed with his kids. To me he was a shadow.
I didn't know much about my dad. I don't know exactly what he did at his job that he worked at for 32 years. He didn't like to talk about his childhood, I heard things from his sisters about how hard farm living was during the depression but never anything from him. He was reserved and silent unlike my mother who was bubbly and loved to show affection to her kids and grandchildren. He served in WWII and was always proud of that. His legacy is the large family he left, from 4 daughters he had 9 grandchildren, 15 great-grandchildren and 3 great-great grandchildren. Another page turns in life when your parents are gone. The only home I have ever known will be emptied and someone else will live there after 56 years.
I love you Dad and I know you loved me in the only way you knew how. Goodbye Dad, the greatest man I never knew.
Sometimes the poorest man leaves his children the richest inheritance. ~Ruth E. Renkel
How do I feel about my father dying?
I wasn't close to my dad which doesn't mean I was not sad at his passing, just don't' have the same feelings that I did when my mother died. I have to admit I was devastated when my mother died in 2009 - I still miss her. We were very close and spoke every day, sometimes several times a day.
I didn't know my father very well. He was difficult to approach and was a distant person. He worked 1 full time job and 2 part time jobs for as long as I can remember. He felt his mission was to provide for his family, which he did very well. But that also meant he missed out on some of our school events, family outings and celebrations. When the holidays approached, he would work because those days paid better. We would have Christmas at 3 or 4 AM so he could get to work - we'd go back to bed. Same for Thanksgiving. We would wait and have dinner when he was getting home from work. I am not complaining, just letting you know what I remember.
He loved his family but just couldn't express the feelings. I never heard I love you - I am proud of you - I am happy for you. Never sat on his lap, held his hand. He was a better grandfather than father. Maybe he learned how much he missed with his kids. To me he was a shadow.
I didn't know much about my dad. I don't know exactly what he did at his job that he worked at for 32 years. He didn't like to talk about his childhood, I heard things from his sisters about how hard farm living was during the depression but never anything from him. He was reserved and silent unlike my mother who was bubbly and loved to show affection to her kids and grandchildren. He served in WWII and was always proud of that. His legacy is the large family he left, from 4 daughters he had 9 grandchildren, 15 great-grandchildren and 3 great-great grandchildren. Another page turns in life when your parents are gone. The only home I have ever known will be emptied and someone else will live there after 56 years.
I love you Dad and I know you loved me in the only way you knew how. Goodbye Dad, the greatest man I never knew.
Sometimes the poorest man leaves his children the richest inheritance. ~Ruth E. Renkel
Committment (8)
We are now happily married and are enjoying our life as a married couple. On Oct 8 we had a reception for family and friends. My good friend Tom took pictures for us. We had a surprise - Monty's parents came to our party. We had a great time and loved seeing all our friends.
When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible. ~Nora Ephron
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