A New Home (16)

Just noticed I haven't written anything since March. Another change has occurred. We bought a house (photo above). We really didn't plan on it until later in the year, but the rate was so good and we found a house we like, so....said yes to the realtor. The last 5 days we have packed, packed, driven back and forth between both locations several times, unpacked and have found out we are too old to do all this. I will try to update everyone as the days go by and this helps me have a diary of our first home together.

As Time Goes By (15)

As I approach the end of another decade of living, aging has been an issue for me lately. I know I am better off than most my age but there are still things about aging I don’t like.
                              

Due to my mother’s influence, my hair has been important since I can remember. I wasn’t allowed to leave the house without my hair clean, combed and “fixed”. 

Mom loved Tonette perms, I was a teen before I knew how my hair really looked like.

 I am not sure where that came from for my mom, but hair was a big deal for her. Being blessed all my life with slightly curly hair it is hard for me now to accept straight, flat hair. I am struggling with finding the right style and accepting that it is what it is and live with it. 

                               

Once I was flexible and slightly athletic. Not anymore. I know I should exercise more, especially with  desk job but I don’t have the energy, incentive, drive, stamina to do any. 

I bought a really nice bicycle last year. Monty and I had great intentions of riding into the wind down River Parks; rode it twice, fell off once (no injury). I did fall off a curb about 2 yrs ago; came down on my left knee, hit my chin on the sidewalk and broke a small bone in the top of my right foot. I haven’t been the same since.Then came gall bladder surgery and a skin cancer scare.

My physical shape is different. I asked my doctor about it and she said most women’s bodies shift around each decade. My clothes fit differently which is frustrating when trying to find something comfortable but nice to wear to work. Need to clear out what doesn’t fit and find new things that do (good excuse to shop for new items!). Back aches, neck aches, and headaches. Sometimes I feel betrayed by my body.

I have found that I need to be more aware about what I eat. Sugar and bread are enemies. Don’t feel good most of the time and I know that is a huge part of it. Old habits are hard to break.

When I was raising my children, their father gone most of the time due to the military career, it was often just the 4 of us. I miss not seeing them more often and especially not able to spend enough time with my grandchildren. They would say I can visit anytime and babysit, but we are all busy and time gets away from me. I now know how my mother felt when I wouldn’t visit often enough and when I lived out of state. Having one of my chicks away from my nest is very difficult; I am afraid my grandson in Arizona won’t know who I am and eventually won’t care. I guess all grandparents feel that way. Monty has grandchildren he rarely sees; is it different because I am a mom? I don’t know.

I worry about not having finances as I age. I don’t have retirement funds and if social security is available, that is all I will have. If Monty dies first, and I don’t have enough, do I have a child that will willingly take me in? These are things that cross your mind as you get older and I can’t work forever (don’t want to). A friend told me once that life doesn’t owe me anything. I am to live the best I can, do the best I can and love myself. God wants me happy and will provide whatever I need.

When I was younger and had just gotten married, a group of friends and I sat around one day talking about how long we thought we’d live. I said, “I can’t imagine being older than 35.” How stupid was that statement?? I didn’t know then I was predicting the length of my first marriage. 

But this is not all negative. I am blessed with a wonderful husband who is loving, encouraging, patient, and understanding of this sometimes melancholy and sad woman. We have such a wonderful time together and I look forward to growing even older with him. We have hopes for a long life and many adventures along the way.

  How my mind's eye sees us.

                                            

I have great friends who are willing to listen to me whine about my issues. I have a job that pays the bills. I am not in the hospital and not in jail. My mother would say, “I don’t mind getting older, it beats the alternative.” She was right, I am blessed to be living in this day and time, and be with a man who loves me beyond my wildest dreams. I have finally joined the land of the living and I am grateful.

I will accept my age and keep going forward (what choice do I have - smile).

How we may really look to someone else.

There is always a lot to be thankful for, if you take the time to look. For example, I'm sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.  ~Author Unknown

The Last Goodbye (13)

This is the last time I write about this subject – my sisters and that side of my extended family.

Since my parents passed away, mom in ’09 and dad in ’11, the strain between my sisters and I has grown more distant than I ever imagined. Since I was a child we haven’t been close like I thought we should be. I had my mother and her sisters to compare and we were NEVER like them. As I have gotten older I now realize it must be the distance in our ages. My mother and her sisters were close in age that was the way it was in the “old days” – a child almost every 18 months. But we are spaced further apart; I am 14 yrs younger than the oldest sister.

Okay – for about the past month I have been “negotiating” with the sister that is the executrix for furniture items from our parents house (my mom chose her since I lived out of state at the time, but later told me she wanted me to be the executor but was afraid to hurt her feelings, funny – this sister was never afraid to hurt my mother’s feelings). The other sisters I am sure felt as the executrix – I should have to pay for the items I wanted. I knew my mother very well and this was not what she wished. We were to take what items we wanted and sell what was left.

At first I thought – ok, I don’t want to fight, I will pay for the furniture my child needs and be done with it. Then I got to thinking about my mother’s wishes and recently found a note written from mom to back me up so I wrote a letter to the executrix telling her I would not be paying for the items and I would be going to the house and pick up the items as soon as I could.

This week I received a response from the executor. She had consulted an attorney (!) and I didn’t have a leg to stand on. No legal documentation so I get nothing. I was not even given the opportunity to purchase anything. She has changed the locks at the house and it is done. She and the other sisters will have an estate sale (there’s not much there of value) and keep the money. I know for a fact my parents have little debt, the house was a reverse mortgage; it goes back to the mortgage company so I don’t know what bills they think they have to pay. I am not saying this to get any money; I don’t want anything from them - ever.

One of the ironic things is the executrix professes to be such a “Christian” woman, spouting bible verses left and right, she will go to heaven and you may not; she is such a religious person full of charity for anyone but me. She has been the most hateful, hypocritical, vindictive person towards me since this all began. I know former alcoholics that treat me better than my sisters.

When I was first dating my second husband and we decided to move into together she told me I was making a mistake, that God would not bless my life. I know now that maybe she was jealous or wanted me keep living with our dad so she wouldn’t have to mess with a 90 yr old man. I had done it for over a year and it was hard to be there day to day.

She was sooooo wrong. God has blessed me in more ways that I ever believed was possible. I have a wonderful husband who I love deeply and loves me, great kids and grand kids  I have more friends than I ever had before, they have become my family.

The slender thread that was holding us together has shredded and fallen away. I am an only child and orphan. They have no hold on me anymore. I finally stood up for myself t and even though it didn’t work out like I wanted, I have nothing left unsaid to them. I have no plans to ever see them again. I know they won’t miss me, I was invisible to them all my life and it isn’t going to change now.

I have been through several life events over the past 3 years: a devastating divorce, death of both parents, losing my home, a job, surgeries and physical ailments. I made it through all and I am stronger now for them.

I have also gained so much due to these events: I had a wonderful counselor that taught me how to survive life’s challenges, married a wonderful man that God had saved for me, have great friends and terrific kids (and their families).

My sisters don’t get to be in my life and I am okay, they have no clue about me. It will take time for me to grieve it out of my soul but the recent events have proved that what I felt as a child was the truth - they have never cared for me (no matter how they protest the opposite) and there was nothing wrong with me. My mother loved me greatly and she was the best. I have great memories of our times together and that is something they don't have.

Goodbye 

Friends are God's apology for relations.  ~Hugh Kingsmill